July 2nd, 2003

death and dying.

Have you ever been so in love with someone, not in a cheesy cute-sy way, that you can not breathe? It is weird. I have always seemed to have little obsessive crushes on boys. Now, I really do not "like" anyone. I love the same boy that I have loved for more than a year now. Yeah. I really have no idea how it happened. For a very long time, I liked Joseph, but that was a strange sort of thing on its own. It helped me not to think about the one I really love all the time. I think that is why I am the fawn. I am always trying to crush on someone to keep my mind and my heart away from "my man". This is the longest he has gone without writing. I emailed him, I wrote him a letter...I keep feeling like it is avoidance and not busy. Maybe he has a girlfriend? I know it is not about being away. There are no excuses to make me feel better anymore. Grr. I can not make sense. I miss my man. But, I guess he was never really mine. Just a dream of it. Too perfect, too funny, too un-sleazy to belong to me. Damn. I should have kissed him that night. It took me so long to get there. I should have done it. Sheit. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I hate boys. I do. I am leaving the country and then, hopefully, to college and I will never see him again and that is that. blah. death.


I forgot one thing:

I am having my GOING AWAY PARTY on July 27th. Yes indeed. So my lovelies, you are ALL invited. (be you my friends, as I know you are). I am also thinking of making gifts a requirement. No joke. Like it is my birthday. I will not see you for a year so make it good. I am thinking mix tapes and CDs because I will be on the plane for SIXTEEN or so HOURS. yeah. But make sure you do not put any pop-punk jive on it. Oh, if you are my friends you would never. I love you kids. Call me for directions.(765-1036) It is a Sunday.

warning, offensive words below.

I got somethin’ to say! (what?)
I’m kinda gay! (yeah?)...
Stop lyin’, ho!
You know that you want it!
NO I DON’T!!!!
Yes you do! Just admit it! ADMIT IT!!!!
You made me gay, girl, you made me gay, girl!!!!
Are you gay?
HAAAAY, you made me GAY.
I thought you liked it that way!
Naw, bitch, I’m gay!
I thought you liked it that way!!!!
No, ho, I’m fucking gay!!!!
You made me gay, girl, you made me gay, girl
You ain’t gay
HAAAAY, you made me GAY...
But I made up my mind, silly ho, I’m GAY!!!!
Well maybe I should change my ways and stick to only ladies
Cuz I hate shitty menz and I don’t want shitty babies.