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divorced's Journal

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3rd December 2002

8:00am: This morning I fell: Down the stairs.
So I saw this kid, at the mall...well not at the mall. Let me explain. I will do this in a very classified "I saw you on the bus" sort of way. This kid, let's call him Ted...opened the door of the main (not the hand one) entrance to the mall. But, I was not yet ready to enter that hell...so I lost him. He kind of looked like Bennett, strangely, but had brown hair and something on that looked very "I'm friends with Kelly Best". PS I really like these general quote on quote sentences I am making. So he was wearing a little hat, no he was not Bennett...I see this now. But, I think I know him I just do not know how. He looked early twenties-ish...and had dark clothing on. He consorted with some crazed man, who looked either like a writer or a homeless person...I really can not remember that face. So if anyone has seen him, or he sees this...I want to know who it is because I am lost.
7:21pm: aaaaaaaaaaaaah I hate school and I can't wait to get out, however that might be
My cat is so lovely.
She just sits and looks about.
Fluffy little lady...I can not love her enough.
I wonder if she knows.
My little Lola away from Lola.


I just bought a pink Panasonic record player from some antique shop downtown. It was half off...from the 80's I am assuming. It is baby pink...but old in color. It has a tape deck and AM FM radio. Yip yip.
So now everyone, feel free to buy me records...a mass attack of vinyl if you will.
I can now play what you give me.


I can not handle school anymore. Right now, I should be working...but I needed to vent. If they let you sit in a corner the whole time, I could handle going. But, I am just getting so far behind. They give you so much work that you do not have time to really do it...so you fake it, and can not pay attention in class...can not learn...fail tests. Basically, they make school to make you do poorly. Or at least me. And since I have absolutely no energy or motivation to go and just do it...I know it will only get worse. My grades will get lower. You think B is bad mama? Just wait. I can see it now. It will be lower. Problem is, if I do not get out now, I will fail. I can not live through more failure. I am not made for doing poorly on top of being unhappy with what I am failing at. I just can not take it. She said ok, go...now she is making me stay. Death I say, death.


I was listening to the Ice Castles Soundtrack on record, now I am listening to My Fair Lady.

I will sleep soon I can see it now.
Fallen.
Drugged.
Choked.
Shot.
Cut.
Sleep.


"Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go...
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore...
There is a better world...
Well, there must be..
Bye bye." (Smiths)
Current Mood: angry
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