October 2nd, 2002

**.it was over before it even began.**

I look like death.
This time I am not making some hyperbole.
It is the truth.
I look like a rotting, dead corpse.
It is really scary.
I never knew I could look this bad.
I mean here, at school, I do not care.
But after school I have to go to the bread-wanting boy's house.
I do not want him to see me like this.
No matter what goes on with us, I want him to see me as that image of youth and purity.
But with skin like a dead, rotting corpse, that can not be accomplished now can it?
I mean, not even the nice, blind man would want me now.
And, to top it all off, I did this myself.
Sometimes I get all compulsive and creepy and just mess with myself therefore making my face and body angry with me...red and sore. It is a sad sad thing. I mean, other people say things like "you look fine" and I am sure this is true in comparison to the world but in comparison to my normal self it is not.
I sound like a sick freak obsessed with looks and myself...it is not that I am just feeling rather low and this is the icing on my cake. Sheit.

I'm crying, can't you see? I love you. Forget it, I love you.

My heart is breaking.
The only man I have ever loved.
He does not want me back.
Because of age.
Because of blah.
But if he wanted me enough, he would take the risk.
I am sick of being held back.
I love this man, and I can not be with him.
This is killing me.
Who am I meant for?
Why do I keep going through this?
Why do they want me, but for whatever reason, can not be with me?
What is wrong here?

"I don't want to break your heart"
You already did.