September 16th, 2002

You say it's horrible out there. It's horrible in here too so just stay where they put you. burn.

My mother questions me a lot.
I come from school, go in my room to turn you on.
And she thinks I drink or smoke after school, and that I rushed away to put gum in my mouth.
Gum I have been chewing for hours.
I say, "I got out of class 5 minutes ago"...I feel so hurt.
It is like I can not win.
You think I would be like this if I were doing the things she say I do?
I think she is waiting for me to do something wrong.
She does not believe that I am who I am.
Maybe because no one else is.
I do not know.
But I can not win.
No more is being good good for you.
Why must I push myself out for everyone to see?
Am I trying to claim some prize?
Am I trying to show you how good I am?
What is the problem here?
No more is a virgin hard to find.
No more is it good to be empty...a page to fill with your own name.
No more do I need to wear my broken heart on my sleeve.
Because they wont believe me anyway.
Do I seem like a drunken slut?
I hate this.
I am tired of proving myself to the world.
I am my own being.
So I do not need to belong.
  • Current Music
    Jeff Buckley


I just realized some things.
One is that I miss Grant like I miss the ocean.
Two that I never used a code name for him, he is just a part of me and will be till I lay my head down to sleep.
Three that I did not list him in my group of four, see above. He is neither my past or my present, he is just my future, my friend, my sweetness.
And I also realized that the entry before the last said #3 when I meant to say #2, meaning Bread Wanting Boy.
He made me smile through the glass and kiss him upon his cheek.
I would push him away to resist but repent and kiss him back.

Cheek to cheek forever I dance, with my man of rock Grant.