September 6th, 2002

shelter in a monkey brain.

I see the large man walking toward me, while I stand near a bush.
I think, I hope he does not attack me.
Being under him would crush me.
I see his face, he is softer than Santa.
I say hello.
I curse myself for thinking him fierce.

I am grounded, may not be able to go tonight.

I am letting life flow.
Letting it go.
Waiting on love.

I hate this mind set.

I hate the place where I am.
Where all it takes for me to fall is a pretty face and some choice plus points.
Where I hear yes yes good for you he is from all angles and no no not so great from one.
The one that counts, the one I find it hard not to believe.

I am not looking for a beau!
I am waiting for it to fall into my lap.
Like before, with the heart jump and the loss of words.
After which I am supposed to say hello and smile and blush.
Then we talk, then we hang out.
Then we become best friends in a moment.
We date.
We are together.
We are in love.

This is how it was supposed to work.
But I seem to fall into places with more than one in our duo.
I seem to fall into crowded rooms.
I seem to fall into the wrong place where nothing goes as it should.
I smiled because it was someone new.
Without catches and left overs.
I frown because it is so much more.
I cry because I am being forced into skipping all the steps to the silence.

Again. I wait.