September 3rd, 2002

changes. Someone is crying, I can hear them but I can not see.

Today was the day I went back to hell.

Actually, it was ok. Off the point, but I can hear someone crying near my window saying to let them go and that they want to die but I can not see anyone.

"My mama said to get things done, you better not mess with Major Tom"--Bowie

My classes do not seem as bad, I mean I know I will burn out but it will be ok.

My AP art teacher is probably going to let me turn her class into my own personal AP photography class. First semester we have to do what she assigns...I can suffice. Second semester we do one thing, choice, for our portfolio. You can do a photography portfolio for AP. So that is what I will do. I like to work the man to my advantage.

If you took that on a dirty note...some boy just emailed me. It sounded sweet, like how he found my picture to be beautiful. Then he goes on to tell me that I have made him rather horny and asks if I would ever want to cyber...oh and if not it is ok we can just chat. Ok, what did I say? I told you I attract old men. It is a gift. Ugh.

I also realized that at school I am a whole other girl. I know now why I have not found someone of interest in school and vice versa, at school, there is not an ounce of sexuality in me. I just do not have it in me. But as you know, this is not the case out of school. Oh har har, it is obvious that I ooze sensuality. That was a joke. I still have not found how I am not attracting anyone out of school. This is my sexy.

I am going to do homework now.

If you are a intelligent,open minded, pretty boy with good musical tastes...Bowie...I am listening to him now me. I will be bored tonight. And a good talk will release the stress of 9 months of school.

Oh that is no joke, use the chain of county kids to get my number. I do not want cyber man to call.

"I'm happy, hope you're happy too"--Bowie
"Oh Lordy, Oh Lordy.
Don't you know you know I need some loving
John, I'm dancing
She turns me on
John, I'm only dancing
She turns me on
Don't get me wrong
I'm only dancing"---John, I'm only Dancing---Bowie

All I'm saying pretty baby, la la love you don't mean maybe...1st base 2nd base 3rd base home run.

So I've got thoughts of love and death in my head.
Roses above my bed.
Cure songs upon my lips.
The lips that have not been kissed.

This makes me part of some strange Siouxsie loving crew right?

I play witness to your sick little scene. You tore up my heart with your cold little stare. I told myself I would not fall again. I told myself it was alone or death. I suppose now I should choose death? I tried that, the blade would not come free. I tried to open it up, let it bleed for me. I suppose fate says it should not be so.

"There goes my gun"

What do you do if you see someone for the first time and your heart leaps? Does this mean love lust hormones at best? I suppose it is a combination of all of them. Loneliness, surrender, longing, love. But where do you go from there? Where do you go when the people that fit are taken after. Where do you go if your feet are stuck in cement?

I am left here, where in my whole town I know only a couple souls. I claim for my own but they are leaving now. Everyone is leaving in their searching for love. My friends. They can go, love is worth my boredom.

But I will wait for it on my own.
In my solitude.
What about you?

On a happy note, I think I will yoga Friday before the concert.

If you ask me who I write about, and it is you...all I can tell you is that I write about the dream of man I chose to place in you.
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