August 17th, 2002

this must be quick

This must be quick.
I am listening to the Smiths.
Do you like them?
I do.

I just remembered that the market is down my street, how neat.
I have to read 100 pages and clean up my mess.
Oh isn't stress the best?

So tonight I am free, as long as I get the chores done.
So pick me up, how about it son?

I kind of like this boy, the one who would not eat the techni-colored bear.
I madly want this other, Senor Glazed.
But what else is new.

I am a fawn, how about you?

Now that I am all hot and showered I'll bet you are all wishing you had picked me up before hungh?
Oh well.
You lost.

I miss Action.

Oh the little pictures on Maroo's journal are so silly and they make me happy and sad.
Happy because I feel like a fish.
Sad because my summer ended and Action is dead.
All action is dead.

Peter, what's happening?
I feel like a fish again, but this time I am out of my water.

I've never been so alone. And I, I've never been so alive.

I was looking at this photo of this boy I once knew. I was thinking of how great things were for a second, and how good they could have been. It reminded me of how lost I am.

I feel like a fish.

I was listening to old music, it made me miss my youth and crushes that were easy. I would like them, and cry. Then it was over and I would move on. Take it my crushes lasted years but still, it was relatively healthy.

I am reading this book. I hated it at first. Gibby and I both agreed that it was boring. But now, I read it in bed and with music. It is lovely. The over-writing that first peeved me, now soothes me. It is romantic and sexy. I do not know what I am saying all I know is that I am in some way enjoying it even if it is required.

I really wish someone would call and give me an excuse to leave my solitude.

DJ M and Bo Bo did not call to kidnap me today and I am a little disappointed. I plan to do something after work tomorrow, I just do not know what. Someone think of something.

I had a day dream that I went to the market and went up to Senor Glazed and said "Hi, I am Kaila"...and he said "Hi, I am Senor Glazed"...then I asked him to dance...and he said there was no music...and I said that we should go find some...and we grasped hands and ran off. People were shocked. He is a well known piece of loving. Adored by most. Anyway. It was a nice little dream because it quelled my true desire for others. Argh. My cousin called me a walking hormone today. It made me laugh because in some ways it is true and in others it is not. I want the romance and stability more than the physical.

I remember once my friend Michael said to me, (in words like these) "Gosh you need to get laid"

Well seeing as I do not have sex, I would suppose that meant "or something". I agree in some sorts. But more so, I am ok alone and it is strange to me so I pretend to still want a relationship. But frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.