August 8th, 2002

I want to slit my wrist and I wont stop the blood this time.

I do not know how else to show you.
I do not know what else to do.
It hurts me so much.

I do not think you understand how much I like you, how much I care.
Eyes never meeting mine, away in beauty, my heart breaks into a million pieces.
Such an original number but still...the feeling is never lost.

I lay here in my room broken and dying over you.

I keep finding myself here alone.

I keep finding people to care about so much that never feel the same.

Show me.
You could never like me. Never. Why would you? You are so amazing to me. The light around you.

I find joy it the possibility of seeing you. Anything that reminds me of you gives me a smile.

After seeing you I search myself for your scent. Oh lord your scent. You have the most amazing smell. It is like home. It reminds me of family and love and happiness.

Why can't I find happiness?

How else can I show you that I care.

I want to say I love you. But it seems to mean nothing. How can I love someone I do not know? How can I ever love someone that wont let me know them? How can I breathe under this broken jar. I just can not help my feelings. I grasp the thing of your so tight as if it is you, holding it up to my heart and then to my nose to engulf myself in you. It is so wonderful there. Hidden. But then you act as though you could not care less. I do not think you could. You act as though you like her. Flirting, telling, eying. Why? Why not me? Why not tell me why you are sad? Why not put it one me?

Just once let me have the person I want. Just once let me hold their hand. Just once let it be in the light.

If you had ever wanted me you would have followed me when I left.

But since you don't want to chase me I will take a friend's advice and try to get over you. But scream if you don't want me to.
  • Current Music
    Blondie in my head.

I need a truck to fly in. H.

In the words of DJ M---I need some needle drugs.

I am just in such a pile right now.

On one hand I am ok.
On the other hand I am questioned by all, even you, why I feel how I do.
It is ok to like who I like right?
People say how much I deserve, to wait for it, but why is that?
How do you figure I am above the men I like?
How can anyone say who is too good for who?

If I like you then believe it, I do not like everyone.

I find it hard to move on now. I mean a friend said to pursue someone like G-Bib...but I can not see this. I mean even while talking to him and being happy I look over towards him. Watch his face, hear his voice. Why is that? I think I will try to be over him. I think I will attempt it. Because nothing comes out of my feelings, it is a waste I suppose. I have all the pain and thought of a relationship or a duel-liking but none of the security or companionship.

Juliet and George act as though they like each other, I feel like I am being lied to. Why don't they just date. He acts with her how he should act with me.

I think I keep finding people who try to like me, for the sake of it...and attraction. I am sick of that. I may not deserve more in a man but I deserve more in how they treat me.

I feel anxious. And I feel like the end.
  • Current Music
    cocteau twins

I DO NOT LIKE JINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So to the public of this area, I am a player. A friend told me that.

It seems to him that I have mannerisms to make people want me. He says I do the stare and look away. I had no idea. He says I try to make people want me. I hate that, no one wants me so obviously I am not doing too well. I do not think I try to make anyone want me. I guess when I meet people I subconsciously flirt with them? I think I was trying to be nice.

All the drama with Jingo is so horrible. I do not like him at all. Never had, never will. I was half asleep and just let him do whatever because I felt bad for him I guess.

But I would just like to say to all the people out there that I like ONE PERSON AND ONE PERSON ONLY. Even if this person does not want me back. Okay? Fine and I would also like to clear up that I am no pimp or player because I have never done anything with anyone and have never had a boyfriend or a "hook up". I am so innocent it is painful. SO maybe that is why I seem to flirt because I have no idea that is what I am doing. When I try to flirt you will know if because I will be making a fool out of myself. That is how you can tell. I only like one person. And I am working on letting that go because it hurts. So maybe I will like no one.

I am so sorry that I messed things up so much, believe me I am in the hole forever now.

You're a beacon of love, you're a're a beam from above and we fly by the night.
I've been holding up inside waiting for the perfect time.----SIS
  • Current Music
    Sin in Space

It is so hot in here.

Oh dear, do not worry about me. I keep forgetting that people see this. It is such drama. Things come out like that. I am ok. I go through these things often. I am not saying no one means anything I am just saying it was not as if I was dating. You know? I am definitely ok.

I want to be friends, I mean we always were friends. I just think I was lonely and really wanted to like you. Because I thought you liked me. I made myself like you more than I would have I think. I thought I really wanted a boyfriend but I realized that I do not. I mean I would love romance but I am not looking for it. I am waiting. So I am not hurt anymore. I mean I am sorry that we did not like each other how we should have but I am not so broken. You know?

My eyes see things for what they are now. I see now this young, artsy, vegetarian, dork, who is in school but a little trouble...I have no idea what it is but it may be something. This time I am not forcing myself into anything. I am just letting it flow. That is good. I am just breathing.