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divorced's Journal

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2nd August 2002

10:48am: I have every Cure album except one or two. Wow.
I am so nervous. I am so scared. I am very scared, I am so worried. I am having a never-ending anxiety attack.


When I think of him, my heart starts to pound so hard. I fear that it will break loose from its cage. I fear that it will fall to the ground. I fear that.




I am so worried. I feel like I am losing you, when I just got you. Please, please, please do not leave me. I can not stand losing you again. Please do not go with her anymore. Please do not choose that. Please hold my hand. We can go very slow. We can just sit. We can speak. Just sit and speak. But please, do not leave again. I really like you. I really really like you. You want to know why? People seem to ask why. Because. Because you are beautiful. I can see something in you that is so special, it hurts me to think of it. I just can not. I fear that it will disappear from my sight. You are sweet, and romantic, even if it is from being broken. You are what I want. You are beautiful in face and body as well, I do have attraction for you. I suppose that is what makes it harder. I am so. I am jealous. I am, no, I am not jealous. I am scared. I fear that you will go with this girl or another or another. I fear that since we are not dating you will leave. And I think that is why I never just said I liked you. I was afraid. I mean, that it would mean nothing. You know? Like it would hurt me more when you ran away. But it hurt just the same. And now, that was a mistake. When I saw you, I should have told you. I should have kissed you. I should have taken you away. To a hanging garden. To a hanging garden.






So, do not be fooled by gametes. Let me live. And let us continue. Do not run away to snog and shag her again. Please. It is much to painful.




Do not love her.





Come to the show tonight. You have to come. You must. I need to see you. But, do not come with her.




She had what I did not, she had guts, she wanted you so she took you. I wanted you so much more but I stood still and scorned you for going with her. But I gave you no other choice. If I had, would you have chose me?






Oh well, I can keep my thoughts on other things. No, I really can't. argh.
Current Mood: scared
5:33pm: drama created to mock life.
I have realized something. I seem to create so much drama, to be such a drama queen if you will. Especially here, in this thing. But truly...it is nothing. I make things seem like so much. What it is is that I push myself to care and worry so much because I fear that I do not care at all. My apathy is over-running the world. I know about nothing. I do not watch the news now. I knew nothing about little girls or mines. I live like air. I just pass along. Sometimes I get frightened that I am not alive so I find something to latch onto. I play love. I really do. It is just a way to show myself that I am alive. Most of the "love" was lust. That is a good thing, even when you are dead you can let the gametes rule you. I just do not like the idea of death or the idea of life. Where does that put me? In this limbo of desire. Wanting all the things of life (love, happiness) but being too dead to grasp it. So I create it. So many times I write here a day, going on and on like a stressed little puppy. But the thing is, I do not care that much. I mean I do like who I like. But I make it seem like love, like the love of the alive, my world would not crash if any of them were to leave me. I make it seem that way though. And I romanticize the people I speak of. I mean. They are wonderful. But I make them so much more. Then I love the idea of people. Not the people, I never know the people. They do not let me, because I go from hello to I love you. But I really mean to say "I love the idea of you, or more so the person I made you to be in my mind" that is unfair. Here, I wonder why I fight so much for something that is not everything I dream of when I want no one. I ask her, why do I like him, she answers me well. So I guess here, I really do like him. He comes with flaws, but so do I. So now, I breathe. I let it flow. And, I admit that I do not care so much about anything. All I really want is to live.








I read half of a great book at work. Here are so things I laughed at. I hope I am not the only one.





"She upset Billy simply by being his mother. She made him feel embarrassed and ungrateful and weak because she had gone to so much trouble to give him life, and to keep that life going, and Billy didn't really like life at all"...me...argh...



"He seemed delighted to hear that she was fine. He was experimenting with being ardently sympathetic with everybody he met. He thought that might make the world a slightly more pleasant place to live."



"How nice--to feel nothing, and still get the full credit for being alive."


"He supposed that the intent of the Gospels was to teach people, among other things, to be merciful, even to the lowest of the low. But the Gospels actually taught this: Before you kill somebody, make absolutely sure he isn't well connected" (that was a reference to the death of Jesus)


That is a good book. Slaughterhouse 5. It is so random and jumps around like my own mind.
Current Mood: apathetic
7:15pm: This is a formal announcement:
I would like to apologize to everyone (everyone that is male) for trying to pressure you into being my boyfriend. I think my words could have made strangers feel bad for not asking me out yet. Do not worry. My words from before were due to amorousness and loneliness. Do not feel bad if you do not want to date me or mate me. That is ok. I am ok.


But for everyone who wants me even though I am not so cute and partially crazy...come on and get me.



I want your body...I mean companionship...uhh ooopppss.. noo...yes.
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