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divorced's Journal

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1st August 2002

10:10am: why do I run around in circles like this, instead I could just fall into your middle
I am so sorry my dream.
I should not have let myself get so hurt.
I do not think you were aware that my heart was aching.


I should have bent down to the gutter and grabbed your hand if I wanted it. Why do I feel like I should not make a move on you? Like I should not just tell you I like you? Maybe I worry about nights like last. Like if I got what I wanted and was with you, you would still leave me to be with a hundred other girls. Jealous, I was so jealous, but more hurt. I am so silly, though I may want, you do not belong to me...I have no place to be jealous. I always hate that, the emotional fling. There you never have a place to be mad or jealous because it is not a real relationship. I hate those. I am NOT going to have one of those with you.I can not.





real all the way or nothing at all.



So sorry.
Current Mood: nervous
10:34am: the heart is crossed in line for you.
"Hey, been trying to meet you. Must be a devil between us, or whores in my head, whore in my bed. But hey, where have you been? If you go I will surely die, we're chained."
Current Mood: awake
10:45am: you're the bone machine.
I say hate is life.
Live life for hate, because love leaves when the fire begins to spark a little. Hate, hate stays on through the rage and on through the end of a flame...then it walks among the members. This is why hate is life. Because my heart only knows love, and can not go any other way. What am I to do?



Die.
Current Mood: confused about heart and time
11:05am: Air guitar, and everything is ok.
I need no attention, I am fine here.
I am single.
I am going to do homework after my shower.
I have two cats.
I thought.
Oh well, broken is not a new place to be.




Besides, if ever I wanted to be with someone. I know a boy who is very nice to me. He brings me band aids and medicine when I feel bad, he gets me ice-cream, he sits still for me. His name...is Bo Bo. All hail Bo Bo, the last man in the world that treats me like I mean anything...the last man who likes me enough to do something about it. The last man I will ever try to be with. the last man I can handle seeing.
6:06pm: here I am dead.
You are insane.
But I am crazy about you.


Why do you play such silly games?


Why do you seem so wishy woshy to me?


Do you love this cloaked thing?





She wanted you, and it makes me ill. I feel so ill.





I suppose you are like Joseph, I suppose I let you lead me on. I suppose it meant nothing and you only hoped to hit that. I suppose now that she let you, there is no need for me.





Well alright.





Broken, Burnt, Dead, I still stand.
Current Mood: sad
11:50pm: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ETA==== ****JOY****

DJ Mitsubishi tells me that usually Barbarella guy is usually all glam like Ziggy. That is so cool. They were super duper cool especially since you know what played after them. Ick. I just can not get into it at all. Either could DJ M so it was good and we went away from the bad music.



But then....the wonderful heaven came.





ESCAPE ENGINE ESCAPE ENGINE ESCAPE ENGINE ESCAPE ENGINE!!!!!!!!!!!


I have seen them like 6 times I think. I have no idea. But they get better and better. I mean, I love it when a band can say "this one is new" and the song is just as great as the old songs. I love them so much. Jay is so faboo when he jumps around on the stage and does this spaz out thing. He is Cameron all the way. Oh yeah. So yes, I have no ears and can not even hear myself cry but it is so worth it. I would give up my hearing any day for good old music like that. Yip yip.






I argh, I hate it when people I do not know know me. You know? Know personal things and yeah, argh.








So tomorrow night is another show. Ska ugh. But Huxtables. They are not so good or anything but they have a song about Dungeons and Dragons and that is my love in life so I will go to hear it. I have no idea. Plus, I told Ian to have Morgan bring her skinny, braces wearing, genius, always working, little, friend Jordan. Last time I saw him, when I met him, he thought I was cute so that is wonderful. I mean, he is sosooooo smart and really nice. That is good, nice is good. It would be fun to hang out with him. When, I do not know. Little Evita knows him too. She says he is always busy. That is not so good.





So I heard something so interesting. Gutter person snogged you know who. I am jealous. About gutter, I have no idea why. DJ M also does not know why I like him. I do not know, but I really do. Oh well, H takes another from me and sends them into the arms of ick (never in my life would I hit that) people. Oh well.










I am listening to bad music, I can not hear it, but still I need to change it. I will do that now.






I made the best mix tape. It does not have old music on it because all my old stuff is on tape, and I can not go from tape to tape on my stereo. But still, it rocks. And I made the cover and it is so cool. I made it for someone but I do not think I will give it to them. It is almost as good as the one I made for bread wanting boy, well maybe better. But, I think I will give it to whoever I date. I would not give it to Bo Bo. He does not really like my music, good music, I mean...uhhh...




I know who would like it.







You can't fuxtable with me yo. Fo sho.






So, come to the show even though it is not good. I might wear a skirt, that should be an event in its self, seeing me fit myself into a skirt. Wow, scary.




I am so tired, I work tomorrow at 2. Wow, work=money. But I am in debt so work=no profit but a lot of mind pain.








Night.



I would still love to snog you exclusively.
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