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30th July 2002
Take me to the life house, perhaps past the rave.
Archer's of Loaf, Sone, Built to Spill, American Analog Set, The Feelings, Bugskull, Orange Cake Mix, Greeengate, Windy & Carl, Those Bastard Souls, Superdrag, The Heartworms, The Photon Band....basically the whole Darla Records crew. :
Scream if you have ever heard of any of these bands.
Gosh, I rock. Right now, this music is so amazing. It kills me.
Hey, you, so what do you say? Date? Good choice.
I've got you in my grasp, I have put you within the click clock of my bagel wiht lox
You silly silly boy. :
Everything you say is so hilarious. Everything you say makes me laugh. Because, I do not know, I do not know if it is irony or just random humor. You keep saying these things. I do not think you understand.
You ask me who this boy is. That is so funny. You tell me to ask him out. You are a good friend, you make me blush but I do not know if you really mean what you say.
If you do, then I will tell you my secret.
I am sick of keeping it, you know it already, and I really do not care if I am crushed.
You try to be so innocent, like you never new I was smitten for you. But they, the ones with the wide lips and long tongues, they told you. Maybe you would not believe them. But, they told you, and were true.
I like you.
I dig you.
I am smitten with every little piece of you.
I have liked you for quite some time.
But, I found myself not good enough to make a move.
Plus, I am a little girl with no experience in snagging someone.
So...I had no idea what to say.
You are one silly goose.
But even if you like someone else, I like you.
Because I can't be with you. Put your hands in my hands and come with me...
" and my head on anyone's shoulder...cause I can't be with you...you're not here..." :
I like you and I want to be your girlfriend so please stop fucking with my head.
those muddy muddy candy pieces
just past my window was a beautiful blondie boy with a guitar on his back. Someone stop him please! I can not because my body is not healed and my face is not pretty. But someone stop him! Where is he going? Where where where is he going? Colin's maybe? No. Where where where. :
Oh well, he is gone, who cares.
I hate those little ones, the ones called hormones. I need more than hormones. I feel like I do not have a hard time finding people that want me, but I do not find the ones that want to be with me. I can not handle another guy who wants me but does not want to date me. I just can't. I am so sorry dear. I wish I could, I wish I could play that game with you. The one with the flirting and the kisses, but the one where we do not belong to each other. I need to belong to you. I can not give you just the touch and friendship. I am looking for someone to be mine. I want you, yes, but I want you as a boyfriend not as a "special" friend. I do not want that, I can not have that. So the things you say hurt, because I do not think you want to be mine. Do you? Be honest. Do you want to date me? If so, that is soooo great. I am very happy, you make me very happy. I would love to try that with you. The happiness we both seek is within your grasp. Just get me. Take me. Tell me "I like you and I want to be with you" I would never say no. Please. Let this be, can we be happy now?
Oh gosh, I sound silly. I sound sad. I am fine. Do not worry.
And you, my old friend, I do not want to hear it. I do not pretend. You should not read my journal if you think such mean thoughts about me. You think you are better than me? Only because you found a girl that would like you. Fuck you then. I liked you so much, I treasured whatever type of friendship we had. I can not stand how you are now, everything you say seems so harsh. I had no idea.
Fawn is going to have her baby soon, tomorrow, today.
I just got back from a family dinner. At this dinner, I had six bottles of water. Six. Six is quite a bit I think. Or maybe it is just me. But I still want more. I think I was very thirsty. My father has well water at his house so I do not drink that much water there. You know? I must have looked ill when Bo Bo was over, no wonder he wanted to leave. But anyway, back to my family. My mom's side. It was a dinner for my Aunt and Uncle who are moving to Boston. Held at my Uncle's mother's house. which is a very odd place in its self. First of all, all the books are about Jesus. Devotionals and Worship books. There are about a hundred. Then the decorating is very odd. There is this painting with American flags and Jesus healing the broken Liberty Bell. I laughed when I saw it, it makes no sense. But it is still a comfortable place. My Papa and his wife Bente were fighting and it was so funny to me. She was drunk, he was not because of his foot, and they just hated each other so much. This makes my mom very sad. It is still funny to me. I love how my family is, so silly when we are all together. America at its best. You ask my Papa where he is from and he says America. I have no idea what my ethnic background is for that side. I feel bad for my mom. I just go by my dad's side and say Swedish-Italian. I am basically a mutt. At the dinner table, which had nothing I could eat really, there were toasts and Dave (my uncle) cried. It was very emotional and I felt a little out of place because I was not tearing up, I kept telling my mom how many bottles of water I had had. She told me to be quiet. I guess she was loving the moment. I am sitting here, on my computer, listening to my favorite band (the cure) "Sometimes we used to spend the night, just rolling around on the floor, and even though it felt soft at the time, I always used to wake up sore". I am thinking of you kid. Just how I would want to take you with me to family things. You could laugh with me. I think you would love them though. They would like you. We could run away and snog. It would be so much fun. You would like my dad's side. I feel more in there. I am the love of the family, and there is always someone to talk about. Great fun. I really want to date you so I can take you with me on Christmas and all the other food holidays. It would be a hoot. I also looked at my dress again today, it sits covered in my closet, it is so lovely. We can request songs they will never play. Or we can bring headphones and dance to our music...totally off from everyone else. Good fun. I am so silly. I think I might just be tired. :
If I go to the show tomorrow night, it will only be for an hour or two. I wont get there until 9 or 10. So who knows. Tomorrow I am getting a trim, and going to see Jessica's new room. Fun times. Then family dinner, and maybe a little of the show. depending on how tired I am and how bad I look.
But show on Thursday and Friday for sure.
Find me if you want to. I would adore it if someone were to spin me around and kiss me without asking. :-)