July 28th, 2002

pretty girls, pretty boys. go home.

Have you ever had a slurpie made with blood?

my arms hurts, I blame this on you. You were worth a cut, not one that bled though. Just a scratch, or two...or twelve./ But now, as the wave passed over me...I feel no pain. I was so low I cried while windex-ing the window. Then so high while I sang in the car. Now so low again. I do not want to feel nothing but I do not know how much more of this I can take. It is like a slight bi-polar wave. Kind of a pain seeing as I am also lonesome for him, for you.

Have you ever dug someone so much, but they dug someone else?

I was just in this situation with Joseph, except he was in love with her, I hope George is not in love with this chick. I hope shit, I am so sick of it all right now. I can not handle anything, life is too much. Do not worry, death is never an option. Fear wins over despair always. But I can not even handle breathing right now. This machine is too much for me. I think I will try to shower and hide in my bed. For days. Tomorrow too. I do not want to come out. Only for you. You tell me to and I will come out of my sheets. I would fight the black for you. I would lift the jar from my head. I would take the point away from my flesh. You would lift me up if you allow me to hold your hand. You choose the wrong ones, pick a good one, pick the right one. I would never hurt you. I only can hurt one person and that is me...you do not have to worry. Pick me today, love for tomorrow.

That's the way

"That's The Way"

I don't know how I'm gonna tell you, I can't play with you no more,
I don't know how I'm gonna do what mama told me, My friend, the boy next door.
I can't believe what people saying, You're gonna let your hair hang down,
I'm satisfied to sit here working all day long, You're in the darker side of town.

And when I'm out I see you walking, Why don't your eyes see me,
Could it be you've found another game to play, What did mama say to me.

*That's The Way, Oh, That's The Way it ought to be,
Yeah, yeah, mama say That's The Way it ought to stay.

And yesterday I saw you standing by the river,
And weren't those tears that filled your eyes,
And all the fish that lay in dirty water dying,
Had they got you hypnotized?

And yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers,
But all that lives is born to die.
And so I say to you that nothing really matters,
And all you do is stand and cry.

I don't know what to say about it,
When all you ears have turned away,
But now's the time to look and look again at what you see,
Is that the way it ought to stay?

That's the way... That's the way it oughtta be
Oh don't you know now, Mama said.. that's the way it's gonna stay, yeah.
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    Led Zeppelin

and nothing, and nothing

I am looking out my window, the view from this chair, the one at my desk, the desk with the screen that opens my mind to all your views and all your dreams, the screen that holds the secrets to your heart and breaks mine.

The window is up a bit, and frames a perfect picture. It has a tree, its branches frame a house, the house frames the sky, the sky is gray and covers everything. But this time, the gray does not make me sad. It lifts me up so I can touch you, so high I can pinch the cloud in two, so high I can graze among those more holy than those with feet. Angels with wings so wide the cover my eyes over and over so all I see is the light and your heart plagues me no longer. Their arms hold me close and wash away my tears with a sweet sugar. The sugar too sweet to taste, to light. Could be the candy of my lips, the sweetness in your smile. Could be like a mother. A good one. The one you dreamed of, the one I have. There is a place when all parents are good. This place is too far away to see. I can see it though, can you? In order to see it I think you have to have an alcoholic father or mother or both. I think it is the place where my dreams went as a child. My father was never there, he owes me so much. But I do not dare ask for it. I need nothing. The difference between me and the world, I live life for love. I have been in love since I took my first breath. With the air, the stars, the music, my mom's light, your face, the touch of someone who could open you up from the bottom and take you all the way to your top, to learn about yourself through someone else. I am just too away for you to see how here I am. I am your little star, so don't blow me out. I am waiting for you to see my light and catch my shine, in your little palm. Hold me tight and I will not try to get out, together we can fly in the sky and help the children sleep. The children without night lights, the children with parents who let the darkness seep through, not ours, not us, we bring the light to kill the monsters beneath everyone's bed. Love kills the dark, love is what keeps me from digging deeper, from letting it bleed, love keeps the man off the bridge, love is what I live for, because dreaming of it keeps me sane. I would wait forever to feel love, I would wait past death, past the darkness, and on into the light, love is life. Never forget that. Lust fades, love is forever.
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