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divorced's Journal

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26th July 2002

9:36am: mod squad. good movie so far. (the new one that is) old always better.
So.

I thought, a lot.


George may like me.
But Bo Bo may care about me.

There is a difference.

For example: if Jane told George that I was not at a show because I was sick he would probably say "oh", and maybe "too bad"...but if she told Bo Bo, he would be like "ohhhh nooo, is she okay? will she be better? when is she going to be better? etc. etc."...so there. I do not know if that is a big deal. It just seems like Bo Bo would give up more for me. I do not want either to give anything up it is just like one seems to care more than the other, even at the friendship phase. You know?


I may just be full of it.






Did you know that Brittany Spears' initials are BS?
Har Har.
9:46am: sorry Charlie.
You missed your chance to see me.
Sorry.
I am going home today at like 12.
I could not wait here any longer for you.

You can of course, my children, call me at home home (765-1036).

Or something.


Show me you care.
10:01am: oh my stop making out you guys!
So I just read something you wrote awhile ago. And, all I can say is, I do not really want to be your friend.

I know that sounds weird but you do not matter that much to me.

I love you but you hurt me. You do not really know me either. I mean there was a time, years ago, when I could open up to you. But you do not know me. Maybe it was a way for me to close off so you could not take any more of me. Who knows, but I am making no more effort, you do not care. I do not care. So cry me a river little hands.
10:30am: my ladies are lovely
they are they are.


smoke the flower in the sun's glare.
12:05pm: she's gonna have a muffin
George would ask me questions about myself that I would find silly. Because I thought these things were obvious. And I realized that he did not know that we are perfect for each other. Wow, what a shock. I never realized that he did not know that we are the same. Our tastes, our family life, our emotions, our shit. We would be so great together because we are the same.

That is why I found it so vexing when she would talk to him. I mean, I liked him months before she even met him. I know our whole relationship, when looked at closely is petty. I did not share myself with her, and nor did she share with me. We were friends with each other's shell. That is why it was so stupid of me to think she was stealing my identity, and vice versa. Because we were originally the same. I mean some things were not originally there. (like one band I have loved since birth...no names that is petty) But truly, we did not see each other. I know I did not see her. It was a defense for me. Not to make real friends, only "best friends" with the shell of my being. But when she asked me not to talk to a boy she liked as friends, I respected that. I asked her not to hit on George and she said she would never, but she would talk to him because he was her bud. Now, that seems a little selfish. I mean she asked it of me, yet now as I ask it of her it is absurd? Oh well, that has passed. What I am trying to say is that I am tired of our false friendship. I love her too much for that. I want to show her what is beyond my shell, and I want to see what is beyond hers.
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