July 21st, 2002

you're so gorgeous, so right as rain

No matter what anyone says, Frank will never see me and be interested in me. People like him can never see what is right in their face. It is sad really because I know that I could show him how to get it all. I am the only person here that knows how to love him. I know what love is to people like that, I am people like that.

It makes me so ill just to think of him.

On a fucking happy note. Grant wrote me today, and I am soooooo happy about it. I wrote him about a dream I had, more like day dream, where I went to visit him and hung out with his dog and made tofu and went to the beach and had chinese food. And he flipped out! He was like: I looooooveee my dog, Lucy! I love tofu, I had some a second ago! I have surfed since I was a kid, beach! My dad and I get Chinese food once a week!

I think it would be way too easy to love this boy. I mean, we mesh so well, and he is so nice, and so beautiful.
He lives far away, same state but LA area, and he is a rock star who is always gone. I mean, his band is doing recordings after their tour, then another tour. So I see him like twice a year. That sucks.

But of course, I am still falling madly for boys like Frank, who at this moment, could never appreciate me.
  • Current Music
    The Cure

I hang around for another round, until something stops me

Something sweet as your walk.

I think I should stay, stay here in this place. But, I can not help but want to run. To be out. I just want to get out, out of here, out of this place, out of my mind. I am held down by it, it tempts me, haunts me, I am ruled by my lack of control. I seem to fall in love/lust quite a bit. I call it love/lust because it feels like love but then is just revealed as lust. Separate from just lust, which you know is just lust. I really want to be with someone, but not anyone. There is the difference. I am looking, but I am looking for love. So nothing can come of anything. I could never be happy. You wont let me. Look at you with all your teen drama, your h, your problems. I hear you whine and I think we are too alike to work. I mean, I know nothing about you, you never speak to me. But here in my room I love you, just for all that I can see in you. But again, I am blind, so maybe there is nothing there. You tell me.

I know upon time and work we could be. But I really do not want to be someone's anyone. You know? I do not just want to be the girl Frank chose because he really wanted to be with someone. I mean maybe it is the Ani Difranco talking (yes lately I am blaming my sense on music) but I feel like I deserve so much more than that. Why not hold out for love? Why not wait for someone who would really care? I am worth that, I am worth more. So if you want ME, I want you. But if you are still blah blah crying over a million faceless names and just want someone to make out with and listen to your silence, do not speak to me. I want your kisses, I want your silence, I want your words...I want your shit, your problems, your h, your smoking, everything...but I also want your heart. And at this time, I do not think you know how to give it. But find me if I am wrong, find me for sure. I want you, but you have to want me too.

William it was really nothing.
  • Current Music
    the cardigans, on my sex tape..now smiths

sorry you were wanted

"...that's when I knew I had to be with you.
To handle my grief, I would have to catch a thief...
Come into my window, it's open every night...that's where I will be waiting...I'm lying on my bed, crown jewels on my head
I'd never give you up, I'd hide you from the cops, I'll take a life of crime...ahh to make you mine
Coming off that roof top, your so handsome dressed in black...I'd like to see you on your back.
Take this precious treasure and I will treasure you.
We'll run away my dear someplace special, have no fear. We'll even change our names. We'll be kinky, we'll be strange.
I'll take a life of crime...ahh to make you mine.
Ahh to catch a thief."