July 5th, 2002

now it comes to me, when he is across the ocean

You know what I just realized?
All those things, that criteria, that I have to quiz people with...those traits and interests I look for...they were just him.

I mean the music is never a problem.

He has a million great records piled up in his room...records...yes.

He is smart...books and books and books and films he knows.

He is a nerd...for oh just see! He has D+D dice in a bag. He knows it, he plays it...he is the dungeon master I longed for.

He is attractive. I like him, his touch, the gametes all agreed he was hunky.

But, in all this...the wonderful traits...the comfortableness with everyone...the charm...he had one flaw. The fact that he is old...not to me...of course not...but old to my mother.

This is strange to me, if he were one year younger it would be no problem. She would be bothered by it but it would just be uneasy for awhile. Strange. That one after the two...that was it. How can the one year make so much difference? Strange. That is ok because Mary and Bob would not have wanted me to be with him either. They would have worried I suppose. A waste of time I suppose. But why? It was meant to come about, but I guess it was not meant to work. That is what really sucks. That I had all I ever wanted but was not allowed to keep it.

kill me

Kill me, kill me, kill me.

He has found someone.

Fine. That hurts.

But the girl he found...Ian and I did not think it could last long.

But now I think of her.

She is the kind of girl that is just pretty enough to make someone who is overly lonely and romantic think they love her. You know? Then she will be his Mary, his Mary. Even if she leaves him soon, she might...but maybe not...he is too great. He will like her forever now, she is too pretty then. I hate this, I hate myself in this moment.

I feel hideous here, I feel wrong. I really really really liked him. I made it seem like I did not, like I did not know him or really care. But I do, and it hurts. Just like that. Everything happens to me just like that. This is wrong because Scorpios can not stand change. I just do not handle things like this well. I mean sure they are not married or anything, but I can not be with him now. Not after her. Not after fake love. I can not follow it.

I hate. Kill me kill me kill me.

Let me sleep again.

I am just so sad I think I will not breathe again.

Kill me.

I feel like Sally on "When Harry Met Sally"...when she cries because she does not get why her ex did not want her. You know? What's wrong with me? Why didn't he want to be with me? I just think. I have had enough. Die.

yo smo...you want ride? rrrrrrrr


It was an accident.

You want ride?

I want a boyfriend. Not because of the coupling...just because.

Don't tell me it's unhealthy.

OH dash.

Oh my, you want ride?


ahhhhh I need that, hit that, scary. Stop that now.

he left with those dancers didn't he?

The worst movie on TV.
The minty taste in my mouth.
As I sit here alone all I think of is Frank.

I can not help it.

The one time I do not tell everyone or the person I like that I like them, it blows up in my face. It is the worst thing, to know that I could have had what I want but now it is too late. I really digged him. And now he is taken and it sucks. I mean seriously if I would have said "hey, I dig you and I think you are cute...want to hang out some time?" he would have ummm...who knows. But I would have had him and he would not be taken. I am so angry and sad and just bummed and it hurts. I really liked him! Argh.

Where is he? I do not want to wait for him, I do not want to wait for his relationship to end, and then for him to heal. This sucks. I wanted to date him. He was so desperate all of a sudden he has a girlfriend. This sucks.