June 28th, 2002

here's what it says

I killed a spider on my wall last night, and wiped it clean with my saliva.
I killed another spider this morning with my hairbrush; the spider was on my desk.

I am very worried that the spiders are taking over and I will die. I found a bite on my leg. Ouch.

I really hate that kid, the one who thinks he is smart enough to be rude. So rude he was, like C.C. The kind of rude, not sarcasm, not funny, just rude. But, they try to make it seem like funny teasing, but truly they are assholes. I do not like that kid at all. He goes to a crap college anyway, so it is not as if he was smart at all. The bread wanting boy is very smart and never did he make me feel dense, or attempt it.

I am confused by Frank. Two things: first thing, I do not think it is healthy for me to be with someone who is so lonely they are looking for almost anyone. Second thing, it is healthy that it would take time to win him because he has no idea how to go about anything. Therefore I would be taking it slow. I do dig him, but I have no idea who it is that he digs. I hope she does not dig him, she seems the type to not care if a friend digs who she digs. I hate that. I would never. No matter how much I dig him, I would never go after anyone a friend dug. That is not what you do. Nope. Who cares, I will be the girl I like and he can weep. Too bad for them all, I fly away.

I love the Cocteau Twins, they are wonderful.

I am leaving now, as to not face anything else right now. I need to branch, I need to sleep.

  • Current Music
    Cocteau Twins

if you could only see that so many tapes are yours

I found them.
I found my tapes.
I have many many tapes.
I have so many tapes that it hurts.
I have so many Cure albums on tape it is quite daunting.
I have no idea where to start.
I am starting with this one.
I will work through, until I reach the ones I have already used many times.
I began my day with Cocteau Twins.
Now it is the Cure.
All day the Cure.
Maybe some Siouxsie and the Banshees.
And tonight, Rum Diary, who is said to be superb.
Then tomorrow, baby shower, and off to see Escape Engine...and Jay's dancing.
Then sleep.
Then sleep.
Then Monday, Jane is back.
And all that week I have to spend with the Illinois family.
Then the third I get to see Grant at his show in the city.
Yes, well, I can not get past how rude that kid was or how confusing Frank is.
Mollie and I are having fun, only sometimes am I hurt.
I am yeah, well, I think I will go wash my face and brush my teeth.
For some reason, I think I want to use my last dollar to get something new to wear on Sat.
I hate myself for not saving my mom change.
I am horrible.
Mollie said to just use it, I should not have.
We do not have money to just spend.
I will try to get money from someone else for Sat.
But, for some reason I did not pay at J.J. last night.
And I will not have to pay tonight, I do not think so...we are running it I think. I hope.

I am so tired, Jane called at like 10 am from LA so I picked up.
I woke up yesterday at like 6 am because we were in the wild and that is what you do.
I am so tired of this, argh.

Whatnot, whatever. I said whatever and then I was the bad kid last night. But truly, I could care less if he was sorry for being a jerk. If I knew him I would care, but you just don't act like an ass to people you do not know. You know? Never mind, I am getting over it. Argh.

I really want to move away, I am beginning to hate the people that surround me. I really do, they are horrible people. I like about 5 people, not including my family. I really want to be in Europe, not ever with him, just there. I really want to run away. I hate snobs. I really do. I just do not understand the mentality, why do it? Why? Why feel so above everyone else? No one is better than anyone else, we are all different. The criminal, the pope, we are all here, we all get this same pain. Some more than others, they are not in more pain, just different. It is pain for you, than it is pain enough. I hate snobs. Especially wanna-be intellectual snobs from shitty colleges and ugly hearts. I just do not understand. And I despise cliques, especially among older people and idiots. Wow, I am dark here.

"Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again...however far away, I will always love you. However long I stay, I will always love you. Whatever words they say, I will always love you. I will always love you...whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am free again." R.S.

I can not help but want it.
I can not help but need it.
Now, I can not help but let it rule me.
I am ruled by my heart.
I can not resist the idea.
I can not run from love.

This is what I live for, I live for you, I live for the idea of love. I think the meaning of life is to love, this is why the weird love does not faze me. I think love is love. Old, young, rich, poor. Love is love. Love is pure, pain, empty, full, here. It is around you, in you. I want it in me. I want it to fill me up, up to my brim. So when you see me, in my eyes of blue, you see love. You will smell it upon me, it will intoxicate. It will lure you, it will tempt you, it will kill you. I want to be in love, have love, love, I want to be love.

I am love. I am beauty. I am life.

If you like, take me. But do not take me along, I can not walk by your side. I can not walk behind you. I can not lead you. I can only walk as you, in your arms or not at all.

I am lost. I am lost without love. I am either alone all the way, or with you all the way. This in between is death to me. I am dead, I am dying. When they asked me who I am on the inside, the person...like an Indian or a child. All I could think was dead. I am dead within. I need you to breathe into me, I need you to love me. Just this once, I want a reason for the pain. I want a heart to join mine. I think it could be you. It could be you as well, or you. Let's see. I have the time, do you have the room?

I am so amorous, I am so depressed. My pain is my pain. I am it. I am pain. I am death. I can not handle being all this. I can not be anyone here. I can not be.

Let me walk alone, alone until I find you. Then we will walk as one. You and me.

This song is killing me by each beat. The heat, the passion. But no one is here. It is the voice and me. I am alone so it is death. So amorous it is, filled with amorousness. So amorous I am.

It has ended, and so have I.