June 27th, 2002

but you wont get any harder.

I recently rediscovered the massive amounts of music and bands that I used to love, I put the tapes back in, I rocked out, I cried, I was happy again. In myself I find the joy to lift me up. In myself I find companionship. In myself I find the love I have been searching for. In myself I find the strength to move on and out. It was good to go camping, Jessica and I had this big revelation. Then they dished out the advice. Sad thing is, I can not listen to any of it. I know all that already. I love how people always suppose that relationship and life wise you can only be mature level wise after you have been physical or been through some trauma. But, I grew that way. She said she found herself, so early since she is still in school. But truly, I was born knowing myself, and only myself. And, until I find my soul mate I will be the only one. I am happy that way. I never ever stopped loving any part of me, or forgot who I was. I have always loved myself, known myself, found myself beautiful. I found strength in it. I maybe felt that others did not agree but Lord knows it did not stop me. I am fine. "Twister...you're so happy now...na na na...you're going to have to hold on...we're going to have to move on" I love the Cranberries, they rock. They really do. I am listening to "No need to argue" the whole thing is really great. I love it. Tonight Mollie and I are going to CoCo's somewhere in Santa Rosa then to Jessie Jean's for a show...we will skank! I really hope legume is there so I can see if it was loneliness or if I really do like him, and want to hang out and do it right this time. I really want to do it right. No more fake love, no more partial obsession. Just being and learning and meeting, growing to know someone. Only needing me, only having me.