So, on the ride home, my father tells me in so many words that I am substance-less, selfish, and rude. And he dissed the VT saying they do not play well. I think it was too early to be up. I am up right now, it is summer, how strange.
So I do not know what I am wanting here. I am so sick of everything. I am sick of trying to be in relationships with people, especially when I do not even want to be with them. But, I am also tired of being lonely. YOu know, this is very annoying and those two things seem to be a contradiction. argh.
I do not know, I miss the bread wanting boy more and more, I just realize how great he is as I see all these other people. He was wonderful, and again this stops me from befriending my mother. I do not know. I also do not know if I really like Frank or if I just am lonely and want to like some one. Everyone is so couply lately. I want that, and catharsis, but catharsis within that. And, I suppose I should just be happy alone with myself, but is it really wrong to want to be with someone? I am tired of just this.
I pretty much just read someone's entire live journal, take it was only about three pages, but still that is quite a bit. I just was awake and bored and wanted to know everything about this person: Frank. What I have gathered is that though he is not into school and makes some grammatical errors, he is not dense. He is also similar to me in the whole lonely depressed area. He talks about so many girls. So many names, it means nothing. Nothing he says means anything because there are just so many. They are nothing, numbers. First you think he cares about them, but then there is all of a sudden another girl and you see that he is just lonely and scrambling for someone to be with. This is how mine was a week or so ago. I mean, in theory, I really like this kid. But, why would I want to be a number. Just another person to write one or two entries about then exchange for a new one. Why? Plus, I also learned that he could not possibly be interested because there has been no entry about me, and he did not attempt to get the digits or give the digits, which I have learned is what he seems to do. But truly, none of this matters. Nothing does, nothing. I am just trying to make something to keep me not so bored. I just am looking for something to do. That is nothing.
my body is open, this glass is so warm, these little chips chill me to the bone.
outside the sun begins to shine, but none of this matters my bed has run dry.
no more kisses upon my brow, no more touches upon your nape.
this loneliness engulfs me, but I am not alone.
my insanity keeps me. it's my company.
happy I am as I sit out of my mind.
I am so sick of everything I have ever said or done. The only times I would not erase are those spent alone. I am so sick of everything. I can not stand the thought of being part of a discussion. Of other people's comments. I think the world should just shut up. If it is not about you, then why speak of it? Let's be selfish in order to stop the gossip. It is no one's business. I hate everything I ever said to Joseph. Why would I say what I said. They were not even my words they were mock words, words I say to everyone. Just because it seems like what you say. You know? Fuck them. I want to take it all back. I never loved him. I lusted after him. I hate him. Truly I do, this too shall pass sure but now at this moment, I do, I hate him. He tells them my mock words. Though they are not really, truly my words, they are words from my lips. Words that would seem to be mine. I hate him. Fuck him. Nice words there. Hate him.
I hate this, this stupid attempt. This trying to not be alone. I seem to hate most people deep, so why not just be alone. I act as though they need to be all these things. That is shit. I go by attraction. But lately I am just going by attention. Stupid. The time will come when I find the one, that will not need to be anything but that one. It will work. So what is the point in trying to make everyone else that person when they are not. What a waste. I can wait, I am not stupid, I do not have ADD.
If you know me, do not be offended by me. I may be quiet, silent, but it is not hatred or anger. It is me, silent. let me be silent. Do not say "what is wrong" do not do it. That will bring the girl out, the girl I hate. The one that makes me able to be hated. That one. I hate her. She annoys me. So do not mind the silence. It is nice. Smile.
Kill me now. I am such a monkey. I want nothing here, but I do not want to go. Take me away so I can forget all this and regret nothing. I want to die, but I do not. I am just in that mood. I want to die because I hate this place, I want to move away and live as myself without regrets. I would never do it, I do not even think of it. I feel stupid for the cuts I made. I do not want to die in truth. I liked the first 2, but then it was stupid and I felt like a fake. I would never do it right, I do not want to die. But I do not want to be here. I love you, take me please. Take me away and let me breathe, I love you. Whoever you are.