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23rd June 2002
as I sit
I just realized something as I sit here at my dad's house, with the James Bond game in the background, Jane you were right. You were telling me that you and I are such articulate people but you could not coverse with D. Wow, that is so true with Frank as well, I can not speak to him. I want to show him the person only you and my mom see, I try but I fail. I fail to the point where people that own like one Cure CD seem to be bigger fans than I. That is amazing because I live for that music.
fuck her, who the hell is she...lucky bitch
Jane, as I sit here and talk to you. You sit at your house and are getting beaten. They tell you to go away, yet they will not let you leave. They all need therapy. It is so strange. :
"It is very unlikely that it will get infected"--Jane
Can't you see that the reason it is infected, is because I am infected. How's that for an emo kid response to a normal conversation. Strange.
I am here, listening to the Cure. sleep.
Jumpy, Frank is jumpy.
My father says, you need to exercise...because I said I was tired. I would have gone, it did not seem that they wanted me to go, but oh I was wrong...so wrong. So now, I have to exercise? I think they seem me as an obese child, weird. Again, strange. I want to go home, but I do not want to go to the place I live. I want to sleep in Frank's bed, I want to spend my time there. Sleeping next to him, cheek to cheek, listening to the Cure in pairs is much nicer. I remember a boy, he said that I would sleep no better by his side, I do agree. But, I do also agree that I would sleep much better by Frank's side...he is soft.
I wish, in a pile of tish tosh in my socks, oh my golly gosh.
poop on you mr. old man
So anyway, I am thinking I want to cut my hair. Then, I am thinking not. I think that this little model chick's hair is nice. It is wavy and short and pretty, but not too emo/punk kid indie scene. You know, that whole short, banged, black thing they have going on with a lot of dirty greasy locks strewn across their faces. They all look exactly the same, yet no one will want you unless you look exactly like them. That is so strange. Everyone is so completely cliquey out here...in this world I mean. It is very scary. I mean, they quit high school early so they can go to shows and the JC all the time, but then they create this whole scene of elitists that is just like the whole idea of high school. I have made a command decision and I am saying that everyone is completely messed up. No wonder no man adores me, I am much too unique looking. Minus my glasses, which I actually require...way to ruin that whole thing. argh. I also read that emo's wear Converse or Sambas, and those are the only shoes I have. STOP IT, INTERNET, STOP LABELING ME!!!!!!!!! I am simply a odd and old soul that likes the Cure and the Pixies, and art...and love.
cute or unforgetable?
"fortune teller.you're my favorite.deep line setter.play my soul for me.i regret i haven't told you till now"---sin in space :
"well the fuse blew and the sparks flew got a short fuse for this kind of bullshit and all i go to do is get in a balloon and look down on the burning remnants of red-hot in the spotlight we did all right but all right is never good enough space pod crash code red never sin in space with you again...you were in the party dancing like animals i was in the bathroom taking space capsules some drunk fuck started up a fight be did all right sometimes all right is good enough space pod land mended sin sin space with you again and hell fire will melt the gloom singe the hair of this padded room hell-fire will melt the gloom and bloom"---Sin in Space
So, their lyrics make no real sense but they seem to have so much meaning to me right now. I do not know what it is. Some stupid critic said that they were like the Pixies. I would not go as far as to say that, but they are pretty good. And, sometimes when they switch from boy to girl vocalists, they sound Pixie-esque more like "Surfer Rosa" style. Who knows, they are good though. I like them, they make me sad even though they have no sad lerics. which proves they are great. "i've been waiting on some important things I've been waiting on the light you bring this is the thing that i've been waiting for this is the night i've been working towards i'm a dorma, luna, macabre on the sunny side you're a beacon of love you're a fire fly you're a beam from above, and we fly by the night up form the shadows there comes a fiery kind up from the shadows, the king of everything i've been holding up inside and waiting for the perfect time"--Sin in Space "thick words slip from my lips...but if yo must soar take me aboard..."--s.i.s.
So yeah, I think that I have been waiting. Waiting for the perfect time, person, thing. I hold back in truth, from everyone. It is as though the pieces I give off will not come back so I stop them from seeing me. No one can see me. I am silent. Silently singing, crying, loving, painting. I am silent. Do not force me to speak. I do not. I never wanted to, but you made me. All of you, and now I am known for this, these false words. These ill thought desires pushed away so you can only see the fucking salty exterior. The only thing they see is the words, the words I never meant to say. You put them in and you take them out but you blame my lips for all that comes out. I meant nothing I said. Only thing you can take is my heart and my face, they can not lie. I am not your creation, but the words from my lips are yours. Let me be silent. Let me not speak. I am mute, I am Mersault. I will only speak when I have something to say. Do not feel offended, do not think I am in a bad mood or that something is wrong. What you are viewing is me. The true me, the me without a name, a place, only with a heart, with lips. Kiss them, listen to the silence to know me. Kiss them, and you shall see. Sing to me, write to me, write me, draw me, paint me, make me, kiss me, take me. You can only have me if you know me. So at this moment, no one can have me. The one to take me will be the one to know my silence as the truth, to know my heart, and to take my lips without an introduction. This will be the one to have me, to break me, to keep me, and to kiss me where they please. All of me is for you, all of you will be mine as well. God will bless us, because he is the only one that knows me so the only one to know me now will be sent from him. To me. You. Learn my silence, kiss my lips. There you go, do not be away. I can not be alone anymore. Fake me, break me, have me. Do what you please, I am a petal away from death and you must water me. Take my heart. Now.
"last night i was you rocking chair but the sun came up and i don't know where you are...you are my freaky she..." S.I.S.
oh my smoke a pipe
My dad and his old lady are watching some weird show on tv about Run DMC. Strange. I think the people in Santa Rosa are crazy, strung out, and have ADD. It would explain about everyone I have met from Santa Rosa. Definitely the whole ADD thing. I mean really, wow. I like going to stores at night here, it is funny. :
"you made me a card, but it was still wet when I got it.
I sniffed the glue seeping from the edge.
Because I am your super poor junkie girlfriend"---The Gold Bikini.
Yeah, how's that for a song. "poor, junkie girlfriend"
Yeah. wow, the things that come to my mind. My dad and his fiance are smoking menthols from now on because they are poor, wow that is great. Frank smokes, but it does not bother me. "Tricky, tricky tricky tricky"--Run DMC. I like that song a lot. So anyway, back to Frank, I like that he smokes, it means he is not too perfect. He is jaded like me. I like him, want him, not need...but pretty close. My gametes need to be controlled. I will not lay down.
We are about to watch "Angel Heart" a creepy weird movie that my father bought about the devil...or something like that. He is strange, he bought it on DVD. Odd, and they would not check for the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen movie I wanted. It was going to rock, it was about going snow-boarding or something like that. With young boys, too young for me...jail..., and clothes, and snow, and yeah. Woohooo!
Oh, did I tell you about that time the bread-wanting boy was silly. Well he always was, I miss him. But anyway, one time the flower was like "want to go smoke" and he was like "no" and flower was like "well do you want your tobacco", while smiling and pulling out a big bag of tobacco. And the bread wanting boy was like "no, just throw it away, or give it to them...I do not care" what a kid. He was not smoking, or pretending, because I was there. How cute. I liked that kid. I do not think my mother can comprehend that I will never be like I was before. That I will never forgive her for taking away a person that meant so much to me. I will scorn her forever. She does not see that, she just thinks I am mad. I am not mad, it saddened me that she did that to me. It is sad that she is scorned by me. Not mad mother, sad.
So yeah, Jane...I need to talk to Jess about her camping trip. I do not think I will be allowed to go, if there are not adults. Just girls, that is dangerous. If not, we can go. That would be great. I will call her, Letecia, my mom, and you in the morning. So, I will have something to do.
Bye bye bye. must go rot brain on bad movie
I feel amorous, I feel depressed
I feel so amorous, I feel like death. Can you feel like death? No you say? Fuck you then, I feel like dying. I do. :
How is it that I can be so crushed by someone I know nothing about. His name, yes, the first one. Strange. Things we love, that was all I needed. That and the simplest touch by him. And, I thought, perfect. Wow, great, I found this guy that would rock for me. Then I see he comes with baggage. I read his words and I see. He is just like me, a fawn. Lonely, he falls for many girls. Lust, love, whatnot, he is not for me. I could not have him, never. It could not work. He would run because it would be too good. He is damaged goods. But, so am I, I like him. I really like him a lot. I really want to be with him, but as I read him words, it seems that he wants others. Who knows, let this work oh Lord, let this work.