June 11th, 2002

I do not want to ever be kissed

I think I lie. I do not want to be kissed. I do not want it. It still feels wrong. I do not want it. Not rom anyone. Not yet.

I hate him. The bread-wanting boy that is. He kissed me and I think I made it clear that I said no. I think I made it clear that he was not the one or worthy for my first kiss. He did it anyway. Fuck. Excuse my French but seriously. What a poop.

It was just a peck but my kisses are my kisses. I do not even think I want Joseph to kiss me. I do not know who I want to but I have not found them yet so there.

Like Tim said" she will kiss someone when she is good and ready" and it is true. But, I am not good and ready. Not yet.

Maybe I will feel it is right to have Joseph kiss me properly tonight but I do not think so. I do not want to kiss anyone that I am not dating seriously. It is much too special to me. Just too special.

My mom says I can not see him any more because he is too old. That is fine with me.

I have a thing though...when I saw (I change his code name) Ralph.... I liked him...despite his young toad kid-ness. He is beautiful. But, I would never...for many reasons....you know who and you know who. Plus, I think I am supposed to be alone. Just because. I am not ready for a relationship. I do not want anyone I know right now. I will wait until I find the person I am supposed to be with for kisses and relationships. No boxes...no walks.
  • Current Music
    The Velvet Teen

i like this kid next to me he is cute

So Jane wants me to return The Naked Lunch to the bread-wanting boy's house but I do not even want to. Besides the fact that I am not allowed to go anywhere after school this week...but also because I would rather just disappear than tell him I was not allowed to see him, which would create a couple drama. And yeah. I am not a couple.

Tonight I might see Joseph, but he is not even Joseph to me anymore. I mean I will always love him, and want him...but it is different now. I do not know, this is probably just because I have not seen him in awhile...I hope I am getting over it that would be so healthy of me don't you think.

Speaking of that, I am going to the head doctor tomorrow. Yeah. OR not.

Want to hear something funny? You know how I was saying that I liked The Flower more than the bread-wanting boy on an attraction level...yeah well Jane says she likes the bread-wanting boy more too. Weird. We almost both thought "switch". We are messed up. Plus neither of the boys would be down with that I do not think. Well maybe they are odd.

Sick. This is sick. I am alone and that is good. Forget the boys. I will meet one and that will be fine and good. But I am not going to be one of those people who searches for a soul mate anymore. I mean, I am so young...and yeah. Dating someone who I am not going to be with for awhile is a waste. Kissing someone I wont date is a waste. Loving someone I will never be with is a huge waste. No more wasting of my greatness. I am not that type of lady...I do not need to dwell.

I will now live, for anyway it is summer so yeah.


sex machine

Big mouth strikes again.

I adore The Smiths.

Wake me up before you go go...I have that song in my head. Maybe it is just an attempt to silence the noise that engulfs me here.

Within the hour I will run to the bread-wanting boy's house to drop off his book and a note.

Then I will study with Jess.

Then dinner with the fam...

Then the Switch and maybe a little of Joseph.

Then more studying.

Then maybe...dreams...of sleep.

I think that not only is Grant the most beautiful man I have ever met...he is also the coolest. No offense to boys I have met. But, whenever I email him, he always stays as random and adorable as I. In July I get to see him in the city and he is excited like a little boy about it. I could never date him...that is not why I am happy. I am happy because he rocks and I miss him. I mean, if I were a tad older I would love to date him...he is supreme. But yeah. I mean he is not too old. A tad older than Joseph. But he also is in a band that tours non-stop. And he lives near LA. I hate LA. I live here. And there we are. But maybe someday he will move near me...and we can hang out in my dorm...and be in love. Maybe he can be my soul mate that would rock because he is a cute one. I would love to be that lucky. :-)


Sleep. I wont sleep until Friday night.
  • Current Music
    The noise of a math class