June 4th, 2002

Ground Control to Major Tom

So, my future...what is it you ask?

I have just admitted to myself that I am fashion obsessed and completely wonderful at it. So, I know that if I do not do something with art or fashion I will kill myself for it. But what? I mean I do not know if I really want to be a designer and my whole editor of Vogue idea is GRRReat...but I wont be able to snag that job until I am at least 30. So, yeah. I hate to admit it but I am thinking of crumbling to the agency. I mean...I was scouted and I know that any time I want to I could send my pictures in...preferably to Ford. I would have to lose like ten pounds or just like an inch or two from my waist...maybe one form my thighs. But besides that, I really do not neeeed to do anything...so it is not like I would be hurting myself or conforming for the creepy media. I mean...I NEED the money...not just for the Manalgo stilettos I want so badly to go with the Chanel slip dress I adore...noooooo money for COLLEGE. I can not afford Sarah Lawrence or Harvard right now...not even Berkeley now that I think of it. And despite the travel...there is really nothing wrong with working for an agency. I mean the lady at emodel that scouted me in the city said I was lovely...the only thing anyone needs is height: I make the cut...plus Ford has some girls shorter than 5'8! and bone structure...which I have thankfully. Wow, I sound so creepy right now. I am just so poor...and it is good money...the only thing I would pay for is my cards...cheap in consideration of the money I would make. Oh dreams of the nice dorms makes me want to do anything almost. Enough of that....I just am obsessed with fashion...I am such a nerd. Luckily we have nice thrift stores in this area...speaking of that...I need a slip dress for the date I have planned.

The bread-wanting boy and I have not had a lot of contact lately. He is leaving for Europe for three months in a week or so. I want to go on a date in a taxi at night. I want to make-out in a taxi...at night...in fancy clothes.

I hope Joseph is not doing anything for halloween...I wonder if he supports that holiday...I want to go as Bonnie and Clyde. Oh sweetness...maybe I will bob my hair for it. Scratch that, I better leave in long for spring in W...dreams.

OH my I can not handle this...this song....by Bowie...Jane says it makes her want to make love and it makes me want to as well...Bowie makes me so amorous.....geez.

except I am saving that for my husband. When I think of Joseph I think of marriage...and I am so young. I go from first kiss to marriage. Wow.

Bye bye bye bye.

I love you and I want spring lovin'

"making love with his ego...ziggy....like a little masiah....break up the band...."---Bowie

Oh my.
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ya ya

So I talked to Joseph tonight, which I needed...I needed to hear his voice and forget all that had happened. He talked to me about marriage and I went on about how I wanted to be married...blah blah...and he said that I should be five years older...I thought because then he could marry me...but he said because I obviously really wanted to get married and it really is not possible now. Obviously due to my age I am not talking about right now :-). But the truth is I do not really want to get married...I just want to marry him. I think that is funny, I tried to ask his advice about how I felt about him without him knowing it was about him and yeah...he did not give me much insight. Mary will always be apart of his life he says...Joseph and Mary...but she is going away and yeah...whatever that means. Again it seems like she is to him as he is to me. I mean, he will always be a part of me...in my heart...because I love him and he was my first love...a deep one. I guess that is how she is for him...his first. I mean, he must think he is going to end up with her...because how would he think he could be with anyone else if she is always going to be there. I mean, Lord knows I can not be with anyone right now...in truth. I could date, but my heart is for someone else...for him. Who knows, I guess it is in God's hands here as well. I trust God, I want to be with Joseph...but if it is not God's will...then I will not press it and I will ask God to help me through it. I just wish some action would be made in this love triangle (in which I am a part of it without anyone else knowing....to them it is a love duo) but really what I mean is I want him to be over her and fall for me. I am just so selfish sometimes and I think that is why God has not given him to me even if we are meant to be...because I have to prepare and earn it...like Joseph earned what is going on for him...it is working out for him...he has that to deal with. The timing seems to be off...for him at least. I will wait...I will not let it stress me though like it did before...I mean, I will let what is to happen happen. But, I do thank the Lord to have Joseph in my life...even as a friend...I need some contact with him I love him too much not to see him...that made it worse.