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divorced's Journal

History

29th May 2002

7:21am: P.R.H.-------R.I.P. for my dead heart
If he had kissed me I would be dead. I can see that now. Oh how I wish I were allowed to love him, that it was I that he was madly in love with. But now I see why God took him away from me, Joseph that is it was because I suppose I was putting him above God. I just love/d him so much and I prayed for him and for our hearts and for his love. I would have sacrificed everything for him, but I was not willing to sacrifice him for God. So God did it himself, he took him away more than I thought possible…harsh, heart breaking, never able to go back. And I find myself hating him for it…for not making Joseph mine…mine to love, for him to love me…I forgot for about a day. It just hit me, hard, and I can not breathe again. I can not imagine a greater pain than this, which scares me. I know that I will never have him for my own…no matter how much I love him. Oh Lord how I love him! Okay I can not handle this I have to stop this now. I can not breathe I am going to cry…oh my …help me please help me. I love him. I love Paul. And I can not handle this. I can not handle the fact that God made him for her…or made him think he is… " To die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die…take me anywhere…and in the dark…oh girl my chance has come at last…but then a strange fear gripped me and I couldn’t ask…oh take me out tonight, oh take me anywhere…I never ever want to go home. To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die" I can not handle this. Please, I beg of you, Lord. You: his love…you now know who you are. Help me. Make him love me…I am so worthy of a heart like that, you are not, you can not be, you broke it, you hurt it still, you are selfish…. You are sin.



Please, now that I have said Joseph’s name you know who you are, please stop hurting him. Though it kills me more than you could ever now that you would be with him, it hurts me more that he is in pain…feeling what I feel. For you see, you are to him as he is to me. This is what he can not see. I wish he could see, I sincerely think he tried…but he could not see past your burning memory. His heart is stuck in a limbo. So, either take him or leave him forever…let him love you or let him heal. I hate you more than you could ever know. YOU have all I could want in the world, and YOU messed it up, and you can not admit that you are a horrible selfish person and always have been and YOU are why it does not work, and YOU are who he loves.
Current Mood: depressed
9:32pm: what do I do?
How do you get over someone? Oh my, I am so sick of Joseph. Want to here something funny? He is now getting the girl...it makes me ill, I think I am going to faint. At least he will be happy...meant to be I suppose. Oh my. I do not care, I mean it still hurts but I do not really want him. I mean I want him, I always will...he was my first true love...but I do not want to be with him. Scratch that lie, I do...I just know it wont be and that it will never be meant to be. I can not stand seeing him yet though...he will be so happy next time..she is letting him love her now...wow.



So I do not really want bread-wanting boy either...I guess I just need to be alone for awhile...which for the first time in my life, does not suck.



I am giong to the Haiti meeting on Friday, before the concert...but wait! Oh never mind...Saturday is when I might go to Papa's Taverna for din din...before that night's concert...Saturday I am getting another kitten...and I am being forced to spend Sunday with it...maybe I will invite the bread-wanting boy to hang out with me. I do not know...I just think that anyone after Joseph is going to look wrong...but no matter how perfect he seemed for me, it was not right...so who knows. I do not ever. Who cares...though he is leaving too...as is Joseph...whatever...summer will be fun...I am going to let loose..be sunny and be a lush-less flirt. I will be free. I might go to Haiti...but it depends, on a lot of things...but also if God thinks I am strong enough to mission to others....I do not know.


GUESS WHAT? I CAN SKATE!!!!!!!!!!! WELL SORT OF, COLIN SHOWED ME A LITTLE...I CAN GO, TURN, STOP...IN SOME WAYS....HE LET ME USE HIS BOARD TODAY, I DID SO WELL!!!!!!! WELL NOT REALLY, BUT I ONLY FELL ONCE...AND IT WAS NOT A BIG DEAL. SO GOOD FOR ME!!!!!!



Nicole has not tried to get in touch with me since Tuesday, that makes me sad.



So it is so strange how quickly things change. I think that the whole time Joseph and I had our thing, he was trying to be with Mary and all of a sudden she will let him be with her. Like with his tat, which I think upon facts due to her and a slight change in timing would have been with me, which he got with her while she was with him for a few days...which means he got to BE with her...wow and yeah...I am glad I never had that type of contact..well more I mean, because it would hurt so much more...
Current Mood: confused
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