May 25th, 2002

silly that.

Amorous, amorous…a feeling that can make you do things you should not do.

If only, if only I was one to act upon feelings in such a way…a trap I could create. To keep the people I want inside of my arms forever…keep them with my power…my pull.

But, I am not one to act upon feelings in such a way…no I do it in self, in secret…I build things up…just to let it fall. I am too quick to fall in love. But what is it really?

If it were love, I would not be so quick to feel it again. Lust? Maybe…or maybe just loneliness. Yes, it is just my lonesome heart as it cries while it is breaking. It longs for someone…in truth it could be anyone who wanted me as I wanted him…and I do not know how healthy that is. For both of us. I mean, if I were to do that…everyone would be hurt. Or maybe, it would only be me, as it always seems to be, with no one to blame but myself.

Thoughts that have sprung from the fact that my heart has been broken…Joseph is nothing. I have always known that. It was just nice to be pursued in some sort. I will always love him, I do love him, I am/was in love with him…now I am trying to not be in love with him…for nothing will ever come of it, not now at least. God’s will and someday I really do not think so though.

The strange thing is that last night I met someone who I thought I would want to be with and was happy, doing it right, letting it flow, slowly…but even when I do it right, the people around me find a way to make it wrong…people should stay away…they make things sour…they ruin everything. I am too old for drama. I have had enough of that from Joseph for now, and I have had enough of having so many people involved in a relationship that only consists of two…and wait…I love how people can ruin something with someone I have only known for a few hours. Screw that. God save my heart…for I do not think that it can take much more of this.

I liked/like the bread-wanting boy. I like him a lot…he reads, he watches, he listens, he likes lemon moose.

I do not know…in about five minutes I am going to pick up my new kitten, who’s name is Louis (pronounced Louie) and curl up to read Camus, The Stranger which will probably bring me down, but is less saddening than The Bell Jar, which I need to finish. I do not know I need to turn off the Smiths now…the boy…lives up my street…only problems? : He smokes…does not bother me, he eats meat…I do not mind, is not a Christian as far as I can tell…a little bit of a problem but not yet, has had relationship with someone I know…people I know are involved (friend wise) with him…annoying, he is a tad old…not a problem for me but it bothers him I think, and people already messed it up. Oh well, again if it is meant to be then I will be fine and whatever should happen will…. I just like him and that helps me forget that I love Joseph for now…. Who knows…I need to go.


Ps. Billy is into art, photography, and poetry of some sort…he has a journal…. I think he is twenty times more wonderful now.

tidbits from last night: gummie bears, skate, moose, french/korean conversations, bread.
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