May 22nd, 2002


Last night was one of the worst and best nights of my life.

I prayed with all my might that at the Switch Joseph would come...and at the end I looked over and saw him. But no, he did not come to me, talk to me, touch me.

He ignored me. It hurt. He talked about things to hurt me, I think he wanted to hurt me.
Why? I can not handle this. I can not do it...I love him too much to deal with him hurting me. So the way he treated me, which was as nothing...I got no respect I mean nothing to him.

It was the worst night I have had in months...since the first night I met him, fell in love, and could not sleep.

The best thing that happened was that I met Nicole. Nicole is the best person I have met lately, we are kismet and I think God sent her to me to help me through this. She is wonderful and I can already feel myself becoming dependent on her...I hope I wont...that is not good. But I thank God I found her...we are going through the same thing...we were meant to find eachother.

I need to go now, learning, school. tears.


ps. Kit, live for me at to listen to me whine.

(no subject)

I just back home from les miz...I listened to the Cure all the way there, big mistake.

I feel like I will die, I have not been this depressed in awhile and I missed my head-doctor appointment to go to the show. Now I wish I had not. Oh I hurt.

Is it possible to be lonely on a bus full of people, in a room full of someone's arms?

bus me

As we drove through the city I thought...
Daydreaming a separate life as usual, in my own little world, I had met this boy...sometime that had something to do with Nicole, and we fell in love instantly. We went into this drunken state, totally detached from the world...and then I just snapped out of it all of a sudden, and I was worried because I did not know what had happened, how much time had passed. We went around the city and our art was up and my bank account had lots of money...I went back to school though, which was a breeze because we had competed on how much we could read and I had read about 210 books and became a genius, and I wrote my essay and they were great, I wrote about how we had been in a whole different world for months and then I woke up. And then over the summer...yes I dreamt it that far..we went to madrid and sold our art for money and were in bliss. As I watched him sleep he had the warm when Kai sleeps...his hair had wet around the tips at his he slept he was warm. I just studied his face and memorized him. I was content. I dreamt of us at the Phoenix, just there to be somewhere, not looking at anyone. I wore one of these long dressy dresses that his insane mother gave me...with fancy shoes and he wore a suit...but we looked slept in..and we lay on the couch...he rested his head on my lap looking above my breast to my eyes as I sketched random art...and he wrote poetry...and we were just there. It was strange, scary, but wonderful. I wonder who would want to be insanely drunk on love with me...I guess they can not choose to be, I think it just happens...but then Joseph came after Spain, and he touched me and made me melt...and my boy screamed out "how could you kiss him, you are my wife!" because we were engaged and he gave me this delicate ring from a little town in Spain. And I told him that he loved me more than I thought possible, but that Joseph melted me down and I could not just let him make me up again...and then I think the dream stopped....I can not remember. But yeah. So where am I I wonder. What do I do?

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