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divorced's Journal

History

20th May 2002

8:14am: ho um oh oh
This is the life
As she drummed at the keys, it all became blank to her, everything has lost its meaning. She sat there, in the quiet hell, trying to look as though she was doing something scholastic when in truth she was reading someone’s soul.

Wow, that sounds rather crazed and I think that it is funny that I am writing this fake paper in the library to avoid the wrath of the librarian. This is so scholastic it kills me. So again, I read her words. And again, I think that it was a mistake. It is so funny that she is in such control of her life and her situation when I am so out of control of mine. That, to me, is hilarious for some reason. I mean that is just so funny, she has control of where her relationship with him goes, while I try to make my relationship with him stay in existence. I do not know what I am talking about any more. The pastor at Calvary Chapels of Petaluma, did this sermon on Sunday that really kind of got to me. He talked about a sacrifice, of something that we really wanted or tried to make it seem as though God wanted for us, but that in truth he wanted us to give up. I try to avoid this, but I can not help but wonder if he wants Joseph to be my sacrifice. I mean I would do it, but I want to be totally sure at that. I do not want to give up on him, I want to be able to be in love with him. I want us to be in love, but we are not. That is what sucks. He was in love with her, and when I read her words I can see the difference, they had what I wanted: crazy love, can not get enough of you love, forever love. And I realize that obviously if it is not here yet, it will never be here. And maybe God wants me to give him up because he has something greater for me, and I know he does. It is just that I wish God would make what I have now the greater thing for me. That he would fix this, fix our hearts…create the kind of love I want between us. Make us breathe. All in good time, I will pray on this, maybe maybe.
3:37pm: wine wine wine
ahem...red wine makes my tummy feel nice.


I need a shower to wash this day away...make me clean...oh no I sound like the Bell Jar.


I hope I am not going insane.
5:46pm: in a world where tears are just a lullaby..
Youve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face....your gonna find yes you will that your beautiful as you feel.--Carol King


TAKE ME. JUST DO IT.

IF YOU ASKED ME...YOU YEAH YOU...I WOULD.


LET YOU. I WOULD LET YOU. JUST TRY AND SEE.

I HAVE WHAT YOU WANT. I HAVE IT ALL.


JUST OPEN ME UP AND LOOK INSIDE, YOU WILL SEE...THE THING YOU WANT IS WITHIN ME.
Current Mood: aggravated
6:12pm: It's a chef
IT's a chef:

(-;=3
7:15pm: hell is:
here is my hell on earth:

swimming in a cold pool with dirty people...any people...then a cold shower and wet hair in the rain.

home: hellis a pairing of an empty mail box with no message from you and no hot water.


WHERE HAS ALL THE HOT WATER GONE?


I go to take a bath and there is no hot water so now I am just wet and cold not clean and warm.


Please let there be heat.


OH please let me have that.


Or, him. Either way I would be happy.
Current Mood: cold
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