May 6th, 2002

wanna hear something weird

You know what? I am so crazy. I was just talking to a friend who taught me how I can control the situation with Joseph. I mean, I do not want to be one who plays games...we are both too old for that...but she showed me how to I do not know...take control of myself and this. She said to wait a while between emails...I want to stop emails for good because they end up putting us in this weird crap place. I totally am rushed to feel love because I just long for it I guess. And I almost pressure him...or something...and ignore what he is really saying...which is that he does not or can not be in a one right now...and yeah...that he does not know me well...but what I do not understand is how does he expect to get to know me? You know, without putting out some sort of effort to hang out...I think that these "games" will help to see if after he does not have me there for a while if he will make an effort and see that he does want me in his life or if it will end this and I will just have to breathe and get it done with. Either way, I am probably screwed to be sad for a while. I do not know. Whatever. This all sucks and this is just so weird between us now, he pulls away and we are not even friends now...he is being way too mature here...I feel like I am the guy...I guess that is funny...who knows...I am not going to talk to him for a while...relax...but Tuesday at the Switch...he might be there...she says just to be casual when I see him...unlike the last time when I took him home with me and he introduced that he saw the "chemistry" oh har har...that is when I lost it...excited...rushed...this sucks...and yeah. bye talk to me talk to me yo.
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