April 16th, 2002

(no subject)

Names have been changed or slightly altered here to protect this broken heart of mine.

February 24, 2002: (after February 23, 2002)

I once had a page for Stuey.
Then dreams of others. Then a page for Grant.

Last night I was with Grant.
He has soft, fluffy lady hair. He loves my gifts. He loves the bass. He lives far away.

Juliet fell for my man Grant. I said no no Juliet.

It was an ok nite. AJ is a scary freak-man. I do not like him. Juliet mad him go away. Grant laughed and pretended to talk to me. I could love Grant.
Grant is old.

I don’t want to talk about it. I will tell it to you…

Last nite I met a boy.


Joseph is in a band. Bass. Vocals.

Joseph loves Mary.

Mary lives in Peru.
Mary does not love Joseph.

Joseph and I are betrothed.

I gave Joseph an eraser.
He gave me a pet emu.

Joseph touches me. Joseph is…Joseph makes me pass out. Sex is no no. Joseph touches me. All night. Joseph loves Mary.
Joseph wants me.

Joseph is a Mongoose.
I am a Mongoose.

Joseph loves Mary
I love Joseph.
Joseph is naughty for we are betrothed.

We won’t marry. I think.

I love it. I hate it all.

Mayo loves Mary; Mayo won’t love Kaila if Kaila loves Joseph.

Joseph is 77. Grant is?

Kaila loves Juliet.

Could Kaila and Joseph just be as they were last night?

Secret touch? Forbidden desires?

Could it just be Mayo, Juliet, Kaila, and Joseph?

Mary= love…what does Kaila=? What the FUGO!

Why can’t God send me something that favors me?
Not a man that is fickle, or old, or creepy, or loves another?

Man oh lolly. I can not breathe.

I could not sleep. I was sick. Really sick.

Joseph loves Mary for 20 years.

Mayo says they will marry.

Joseph is married to Kaila.

For 20 hours.

Kaila thinks they will live.

Joseph touches Kaila
Kaila loves Joseph.
Joseph loves Mary.

Could Joseph love Kaila? Who would hate her then? Could Kaila let Joseph love her?

Tune in next time.

April 16, 2002:

Sick. I am so sick. My heart is dying.

"I want to feel something sweeter…"

I didn’t know it was still alive. He lit it up. I promised I would not fall.

I fell

I want him so badly…I would feel complete just living to take care of him and make him happy.

I love him.
I am in love with him.

I can die. I want to.

There is no greater pain to me than loving someone who loves someone else.

He never wanted me. Not how I wanted him to at least.

He was lonely.

He wanted anyone… same night he wanted Juliet. He makes me sick. Ill. All of me.

Yet in the same time he makes me cry because I need him.

He doesn’t want a girlfriend. I could be that. He wants her…Mary…I hate her.

He was so lonely and I let him use me.

I did not do anything back, I just let him.

It was not that I needed someone. I wanted him, not then, but in general. I wanted to make him better.
And now. I can die.

I read her words…she loves him, it hurts her…I hate her.

But he wants her. They will be together. God why?

Am I scorned by you?

What can I do?

Is my heart dead to you? Why won’t you let me have him?

I will make him happy. I wouldn’t, couldn’t hurt him. Even if I want to.

I now know how girls feel. When they are used and either ignored or forgotten.

If I was her, he wouldn’t forget. Never.

I hate them both.

Only difference is.

I love him too. And I can’t forget. I never do. Never. Fuck this fucking hell I am in. Who chose to kill me? Was it you? Fuck you.