February 17th, 2002

friend of foe

i get my new bed on friday. 9 am. i seem to have a subtle excitement boiling from within. I have concluded that our generation is pathetic in the way in which we compete. Earlier generations compete with money, skill, and material bullshit like trophy wifes etc. Yet the later generations, ie us, compete with intellectual prowess. Silly that, who is smarter or no, better yet, who knows more bullshit facts that when it really comes down to it, dont matter at all. pronunciations, stats, names and dates of songs, rather than the words, the feelings, the meanings of everything. I find that after i love, my lovers ( not in the truest sense that would conclude a sexual relationship, seeing as that happens never to little old me) end up to be jerks. Not because they do not reciprocate my love, though that hurts and springs the tears i cried, but truly their personalities are dull, i create a man that does not exist within them. I choose men that can be created. men that i can mold into something spectacular. something wonderful and new. someone i can make, someone i can make be the man that i dream. if it worked it would still be little retribution for my woes, the man would be too perfect and yet dependent on me, as the creator. i would be frankenstein, creating a monster of true perfection. the dream, it is only as good as the reality you wake up to is bad. wow how do you like that wanna-be yuppie/emo poetic liberal berkeley bs? yeah my persona is one of many a faces deary. so i think that i try to hard, i fear the me inside. it is too powerful. why resist, it is one that would need some control, i can fear that it would fall in love much more than i do, so i would have to keep it on a leash, yet how nice it would be to spend some time with it. alluring as it is. i think that i will allow it to crush again, this time though the one we have slightly chosen will need work. not on the boy but us. we would have to be a symbol of perfection, i would have to let her control us, damn. but still, when i looked into his eyes, so innocent and gosh-darn sexy, i needed him and it would all be worth it. i would have to find him again, i know his name, yet he has changed his persona. i will search for this new crush, i know he is worth it, no stuey badafuco reproduction. thank you jesus and baby jesus ( in the words of lil' Gino)....and another thing, i think that it is a mortal sin to punish those you know not for hurting you, let them be redeemed and forgiven. exhale.
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sleep dear man sleep

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